


Empty

by Ava_now



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Failed Marriage, Grief, Job Loss, M/M, Multi, Open Relationships, Past Child Abuse, Polyamory, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Work In Progress, absolutely nuts, different than anything i've done before, i can't promise that this won't suck, multiple sex partners
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:34:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26725987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: Shortly after he made his lateral transfer to Manhattan, Rafael's marriage to Olivia ended, and he'd been empty since.  Despite his workaholic tendencies and his various sexual relationships, Rafael has been searching for something he hasn't been able to find, and getting closer and closer to bottoming out.Life finds him on what would have been Drew Householder's second birthday, sobbing in Sonny's arms.  He's been home from the hospital for four days, because roughly a week ago he slit his wrists in an attempt to kill himself.This is a story of the loves and lovers who try to bring a desperate man back from the brink until he can love himself enough to do it on his own.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22





	1. December 1, 2018

**Author's Note:**

> The main thing I need to do here is put trigger warnings all over this thing. In this first chapter, you'll encounter suicide attempts, suicidal scarring, suicidal ideation and talk, and reference to past child abuse. The William Lewis arc is mentioned and will play a part in this, along with many other things. 
> 
> To be honest, I don't know what I'm doing. I know it's going to be dark and I know he's going to find the light. How we get from one to the other I have no idea. I had started this off as an independent piece about suicidal depression and then it just somehow grew its own wings. I've been writing some terminally happy stuff and I think I just can't write that much happy all the time. It was stressing me out. So here's some Barba whump. Just a note, this is NOT part of my Barisi dads AU. This Barba is NOT that Barba.
> 
> There's something about the Barba character that invites victimization and intimacy and vulnerability. I think we all saw just enough to know that's a hella armor the man carries around and wouldn't we all just love a nice glimpse under it? He pulls me back in again and again. So I don't know what you're going to get here, and I'm not even going to promise it'll be good...just that it'll be exploratory for me. I do HOPE you like it, though.
> 
> Comments and kudos are so, so welcome. They help me grow tremendously as an author. Thank you for taking the time to read and I hope you enjoy!

“It just hurts,” he told Sonny. He didn’t know what else to say.

“I know it does, baby.” Long limbs embraced him, but he didn’t know if he wanted to curl up in them or push them away. He palmed his tears away.

“I’m not worth it, Sonny. Don’t even bother. You deserve something so much better than this...than me…” He fought back the tears once again. “I don’t know why you keep coming back. I’m just a waste of your time.”

“Rafael,” Sonny said softly, “I don’t feel that way. Here baby, just come here.”

Part of him was screaming no, but he finally gave in anyway, rolling himself into Sonny’s warm chest and arms, letting somebody else care for him. Letting somebody else love him.

His tears came even more freely now, sobbing into Sonny’s shirt until the cotton was damp against his skin. “I’m sorry,” he finally gasped. “I’m so sorry, Sonny. I suck. I’m so selfish. I hate myself for this. I deserve to die.”

Sonny hugged him tightly. “No, you don’t,” he said firmly. “You’re having a major bout of depression, Rafael. You’re not selfish, you don’t suck, and you are not a terrible person. In fact, you’re one of the most loving people I know. You’re passionate and kind and give immensely of yourself to others. I love you, and I will be here until you don’t need me any more. Understand? You will never be alone unless you want to be. I love you, Rafi. You’re precious to me.”

Rafael continued to cry as Sonny held him close, comforting and reassuring him. “Sonny,” he finally rasped into Sonny’s neck, “kiss me?”

Sonny leaned down and brushed his lips across Rafael’s. “I love you, baby. So much. Tell me how I can help...what do I do? I’ll do it. You know I will.”

Rafael didn’t answer but instead stayed curled against his lover, unable or unwilling to move. Sonny held him quietly, watching the minutes tick by on the clock, until finally Rafael’s breathing evened out and he swore he heard a soft snore every few minutes.

It would have been Drew Householder’s second birthday, and Rafael Barba, former brilliant Manhattan ADA, had just survived his fourth night home after a suicide attempt had landed him in the hospital the week before.

***

“Why are you here?” he asked Rollins as he returned to the couch, the same place he’d been since Sonny left for work at seven that morning. He knew he smelled. He needed a shower and a shave, to brush his teeth, but he didn’t care right now. He hadn’t invited her over, so she had no right to expect any more than what she was getting now.

“To check on you,” she told him, setting a fast food bag on the coffee table in front of him and taking a seat next to the couch where he lay. “Sonny said you’re in a bad way.”

“Not your problem,” he mumbled as he picked up the remote. “It’s me. It’s my fault. I’m the moron who caused this misery, and I’ll have to be the one to figure it out.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe some of that is true, maybe not. All I know is that you’re a good man, Rafael, and you did something you thought was right at the time. It’s been over six months and you’re gonna have to find a way to move forward.” Tugging on the blanket that was covering him up, she added, “Come on, let’s go get you in the bath. I’ll run the water and even keep you company.”

He glanced down past his feet to her. “I thought you didn’t want that to happen anymore.”

“First, I didn’t say anything else was happening. Second, I never said never...I said we needed to slow down, take a break. Aren’t you in love with Sonny, anyway?” She watched as he buried his face in the pillow and his body began to shake. Reaching over, she stroked his back. “Don’t cry, honey...it’s okay. He loves you. I don’t know what the deal is--”

“He loves you, too, y’know.” His voice dropped again. “I could just drop off the face of the earth--”

“Shh.” She pressed a kiss to his temple, then left the room and entered his master. It was a modern design with minimal decoration, industrial, but he did have a large sunken tub in the bathroom. Gorgeous. It was by far one of the stars of the condo. He had told her awhile back he’d paid a fortune to have it put in because it made Olivia happy...back when making Liv happy had been enough. She’d been the whole reason he’d agreed to and pushed for the transfer to Manhattan all those years ago in the first place. Rollins didn’t know much about what had happened there, only that things fell apart shortly after he’d made the move. There were rumors that he and Liv had even been married for awhile, and that Liv’s affair with David Hayden had been the impetus for Rafael’s move. She knew he’d had an open relationship with Olivia, but a blind man could see the love he had for her, even today.

She pulled the stopper in the tub and started the water, testing the temperature. Opening his cabinet, she dug around and found some of the luxury bath oil he’d shared with her before and poured it into the tub. She finished gathering everything they’d need--shampoo, body wash, shaving cream, razor, and towels--and after laying them nearby, went to bring him to the bathroom.

He’d made it halfway and was sitting in the leather recliner in his bedroom. He was pale and the bags under his eyes were the worst she’d ever seen. She was reminded of the time they arrested Hank Abraham for child pornography and how he’d looked as though he hadn’t slept in years. Rafael was certainly approaching that look himself.

Amanda took his hand and pulled him out of the chair. “Come on, baby. Let’s get you in the tub.” He stood by passively as she undressed him, making a bit of a face as she pulled off his underwear. “How many days since you changed?” she asked, to which he responded, “Does it matter?”

“Come on.” She guided him into the warm water and he slowly sank down and sat in the tub. She tried to ignore the cuts on his thighs and his wrists, but he caught her looking anyway.

“Don’t worry,” he told her as she moved to grab the razor and put it next to her, “next time I’ll be using something more successful...less of an opportunity to fail, although failing is something I seem to excel at these days.” He didn’t hesitate to put his wrists in the water, despite the fact she knew it must sting.

“Pain distract you?” she asked empathically, and he nodded.

“I deserve it anyway.” 

She pulled her hoodie over her head and tossed it to the side, with her leggings and underwear following after she stepped out of her shoes, and slid into the tub opposite him. “C’mere,” she motioned to him. “Let’s get you clean, baby.”

He crossed the tub and sat between her legs, allowing her to pour water over him. His hair was greasy, so she started there, squeezing his shampoo into her palm before working it in, down to the scalp. She took time to rub, hoping to relax him, although he didn’t say anything. She ran her hands down his head, his neck, his shoulders, and began to rub slowly and firmly.

He was broad, despite his short stature, and he had impressive biceps for a man who sat at a desk all day. His olive skin was smooth and soft, with the exception of a handful of scars near the base of his spine. She hadn’t had the guts to ask him before what they were from and he hadn’t volunteered it, but now, as her fingers danced down his damp back, she impulsively allowed herself to question him.

He started to laugh quietly at her question, then the laughter slowly morphed into soft sobs. “Rafael,” she said, low, “it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.”

“My father...they’re from my dad. If you haven’t figured it out yet, it’s unacceptable for Barbas to make mistakes.” He rubbed one wet hand over his face. “Is Sonny coming back today? He said he would--”

“Of course,” she told him, kissing his cheek gently. “He’ll be here in a little while. You want to be ready for him, right? Let’s finish your bath.” She began to wash him with a soapy washcloth, reaching around to do his chest and belly. He leaned back against her, closing his eyes as he rested his head on her shoulder. She lathered up the cloth again and proceeded to wash his belly, moving down to his groin. He didn’t respond as she soaped him other than beginning to slightly stiffen; she moved on to his thighs and finished washing him.

“Your tits are so soft,” he murmured, as though he were commenting on the comfort of linens or clothing. “I could stay like this...comfortable. He let his hand slip between her legs and gently thumb her folds for a second. “Do you want to, Mandy?” He tilted his head to gaze at her with sleepy eyes. “It always feels good.”

She chuckled softly. “You don’t want to save that energy for Sonny?”

He continued to gaze at her. “I don’t think the medicine is working. I just want to sleep until it does...or kill time. Fucking you is a decent time-killer.”

She laughed. “That’s quite the compliment.” Untangling her legs, she stood, then helped him up and out of the tub. She grabbed a towel and he held out a hand to take it, but instead she knelt down and began to dry him off. He watched her as she slowly moved over his body, drying him off, and tears came to his eyes.

“Why?” he asked her. “Why are you so kind to me?” He shook his head. “You, Sonny, Liv…”

“Rafael,” she answered softly, a hand resting on his hip, “we love you. All of us. Maybe in different ways, but we do.” She dried off his chest, then took him by the hand and led him to the bed. “Lay down.” She dug through his nightstand, producing a bottle of lube. “You still want this? It’s up to you.” 

His hand ran over his cock, picking it up and beginning to stroke it. “Yes, please,” he said, and she leaned down and kissed him. “You’re so pretty, Mandy.” He reached over and touched her breasts, tweaking a nipple, and she took one of his in her mouth, sucking and nibbling. Her hand took over stroking his cock until he was relatively hard, and she opened the lube and prepped both of them.

Swinging a leg over him, she straddled his hips and then guided him inside of her. She watched as his head stretched back and his eyes closed, as his mouth opened and he moaned. He caught her by the hips and thrust up firmly, quickly.

She was beautiful. She’d always been beautiful, from the first time they hooked up years ago. He could still picture the way she’d felt in his hands. It was right after Olivia had been rescued from Lewis. Right after she’d made it back alive and gone home with Brian, hidden away with Brian, healed with Brian. He had known then that their marriage, what little had been left of it, was over. And when he’d run into Rollins at Forlini’s by accident a few nights later, they’d shared a bottle of wine before making it back to his place and losing themselves in each other. Amanda was smaller, more petite than Olivia, but she was enthusiastic and vocal, two things he appreciated in his lovers, and he’d found himself madly attracted to her. Over the years, they’d slept together a handful of times and considered one another friends. Until a few years ago, with the death threats. Those had rattled everyone, including Amanda and Sonny, who had been toying with their own attraction to one another. And then this...this thing, this whatever it was, between the three of them had happened, where the three of them had a casual sex thing. A casual sex thing between him and Amanda, where they invited Carisi to join them. A three-way casual sex thing that had then morphed into a growing love between the two men. He loved Amanda, but he was in love with Sonny. They had all thought it was okay, as long as everyone kept talking, kept the communication open and clear. And then he’d gone and fucked everything to hell, lost his mind with Drew Householder and his own unspoken daddy issues, and his sudden need to separate a little. From Olivia, from his job, even from his lovers, although they didn’t listen very well and never really left. And then he’d gone and done that thing last week. And now everyone felt like he needed all of them, all the time.

She was rocking back and forth on him now, leaning forward with her breasts rubbing against his chest, and he wrapped a hand around the back of her head. “You feel good, honey,” he murmured to her, realizing his mind hadn’t been along with his body for awhile. The truth was he did love Amanda. She was one of very few people who saw the truth of him and loved him for it, not in spite of it, which is how he had always felt about Liv. Amanda smiled and kissed him again, and they continued kissing for several minutes as their rocking increased.

“So you feel good, huh?” she asked him softly, smiling, and he couldn’t help but smile back. “You want me to sit up, go faster? Or do you wanna be on top?”

Everything took so much energy.

“We can stay like this…” She nodded, and pulled herself up, bracing her palms on his stomach so she could ride him upright for awhile. 

He saw a shimmer of stretch marks, and suddenly thought of the fact he wasn’t wearing a condom. “You’re still on the shot, right?” he asked. Jesse was a beautiful little girl, but he was fucked up enough. No way would he bring a child into this world on purpose.

“We’re good,” she told him, slowing down for a second, breathing heavy. “I know you’re tired...touch me though?”

“Yeah, of course.” He reached forward and began to rub her clit in circles as she moved. He focused on her movements, up and down and how sexy she looked. She was beautiful, but it was as though he were watching as some objective, removed observer, and he knew he wasn’t going to come, especially as his erection was starting to fail. He focused his energy on getting her there quickly, and when she cried out and stiffened on top of him, he knew she’d made it.

A minute later she was lying on top of him, breathing steadily. “I’m sorry, guapo,” she told him as she gently stroked his cheek with her thumb. “I thought I could get you there.”

“S’okay,” he responded, stroking her back. To be honest, this felt the best that he’d felt all day. She was warm and soft and content against him, and he finally felt relaxed enough that he could sleep again.

He must have, because when he woke up, she was curled in his arms on one side, and Sonny was sitting on the bed on the other, watching him. He turned to see his face, and Sonny smiled at him. “You sleep okay?” he asked, reaching out and stroking Rafael’s bicep. Nodding toward Amanda, he added, “She’s out.”

Rafael nodded sleepily and smiled back. “I missed you. Lay down?”

Sonny kicked his shoes off and joined Rafael, sharing a pillow. “She wear you out?”

Rafael laughed, but it sounded slightly hollow. His soul hurt and all he wanted to do was lose himself in Sonny’s arms. “Somewhat. Insisted I bathe for you or something.”

Sonny chuckled. “Then dirtied you right back up, huh?” He stretched one arm back, so Rafael could lay his head on it, and pulled his body fully forward so they were pressed together. “Liv is going to come by and visit you tomorrow. She’s bringing lunch. She wanted to know if bringing Noah was a good idea. I told her probably not yet, that you were not there yet.”

And that quickly, the tears returned, making their way down his cheeks again. “No,” he agreed, “not yet.”

Sonny kissed his temple. “You will be. Give it time.”


	2. December 4, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She came into the bedroom and set the coffee next to him on the nightstand before taking a seat on the bed. “I heated it up for you,” she said quietly, stroking his shoulder. “You liked it.”
> 
> “Yeah, I did.” As long as she was touching him, he didn't want to move. Her hands were soft and she smelled like flowers and god, she was even more beautiful than she was eight years ago. He pushed himself up to a sitting position, and she handed him the cup. “Thank you,” he said, taking a sip. “I’m sorry I ran into here. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Liv...other than disappointing people. That I’m fairly certain of.”
> 
> “Rafael.” She caught his face in her hands, running her thumbs under his eyes. “You are not a disappointment. You never have been. Everything I have ever said to you, I meant, and I still believe them all. You are a good man, Rafael Barba.” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek.
> 
> *****
> 
> Olivia pays Rafael a visit. TW: CUTTING, suicidal depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for cutting and suicidal depression. 
> 
> Thanks for tuning in to this...oddity.
> 
> So if you were reading the first chapter wondering where the heck this was going, I have no answer for you, lol! I'm just letting this evolve organically and we'll see where it goes. I think sometimes we write what we know, or what we're trying to resolve for ourselves, and for me, this definitely has patterns and themes of that. I was first diagnosed with depression as a child, and would have been diagnosed with anxiety had anyone really done that with kids then or asked. It was years before I had words to put with what I felt. 
> 
> I think we also write what our fantasies are, and themes of that (for me) run through this again...of having people who paid attention or comforted you or cared. The irony with depression is that you can be in a room full of people proclaiming they love you and feel completely alone and isolated. So there's a lot of ironies and intricacies and such with depression. If you have never had a bout with it, consider yourself so very fortunate. The only thing that comes close to being as painful is loving someone who is struggling with it. When Olivia tells Rafael, "If you want to stop hurting me, stop hurting yourself," she's absolutely right. And the irony of that statement is that a suicidally depressed person will consider his death the kindest thing he can do for you. 
> 
> If you are dealing with depression, please reach out for help. Local resources are available and there are even free resources for you to access. Tell someone you trust. Tell a friend, a family member, an online buddy. Tell me. Don't go it alone.
> 
> Thank you for kudos and comments, and I hope you enjoy.

“It’s ready,” Liv told him, and he slid his feet into his slippers and made his way to the kitchen table.

“It smells great,” he told her, forcing a smile, despite the fact the smell was making his stomach roll over on itself. Nothing smelled good anymore, and taste…

“You’re going to eat something.” She said it with finality, and he sat down next to her, his robe partially open and revealing his bare chest. She looked at him, and he could tell she was making notes, observing everything about him and how different he was right now. He thought briefly about the man he was when they met and how pitiful she must think he was now. “Hey, try your coffee,” she said, voice gentler than it had been a minute before. “I went to that cuban coffee place you told me about. I thought you might like it.”

He nodded and forced a sip. It actually appealed to him, and he went back for a second. “Thanks, Liv. I appreciate it.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe you’re here anyway...you know this is my problem, not yours…”

She sighed. “If it weren’t for me, you never would have come to Manhattan. Your life would probably be completely different, and quite likely pretty happy--”

He shook his head. “We both made our own choices. And you know I’ll never regret that time.” He looked at her, seeing her dark eyes shining, and his own eyes filled with tears. “I’ll always love you, Olivia. No matter what happens. I hope you know that.”

“Stop it, Rafa.” She clapped a hand over his. “Stop talking like your life is over. You’re going to get better and you’re going to go on and build yourself a life you want again.” She smiled at him, stroking a finger along the veins in his hand. She’d developed that habit when they first got together, and still did it when they were having intimate conversations. “I know you will. I know you, and your humanity, and I will never doubt you.”

He picked up her hand and pressed it to his lips. “It just feels so empty,” he responded, sounding as though he were miles away. “It's like I’m not even here...and then when I am, the pain is so intense I don’t want to be. I’d rather be anywhere else.”

The pain in her face as he talked was palpable, so he changed the subject. “So Livvy,” he said more lightly, dropping her hand and picking up his fork, “how’s Noah?”

Her face automatically lit up, and he couldn’t help but smile in response. He had known from the beginning that she had wanted to be a mother, but thought if they focused on other things, maybe she’d forget about it? Change her mind? He didn’t know what he was thinking back then, other than she was the most beguiling creature he’d ever known and he couldn’t look away.

She was talking about Noah’s new dance classes and how the little boy loved them. He stirred his soup with his spoon and thanked God that Noah wasn’t his. He’d be dragging the poor kid through this too, and no child deserved that. He suddenly realized she was watching him, expecting an answer, and he had totally missed the question. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked if you were going to eat your soup or just stir it all day,” she replied. “You’ve got to eat something. Your meds are going to make you sick if you don’t eat. You know that. You know what the doctor told you before they discharged you, Rafael.”

He snorted. “Like I couldn’t stand to lose a little weight. We both know I’ve put on twenty pounds since last February--”

“Oh,” she responded sarcastically, “so this is a diet you’re on?”

He sighed heavily and lay his spoon down. “I’m sorry. Nothing tastes good. Do we really have to fight about this?” She took her plate to the sink, and he could feel the anger spilling off of her. “I’m sorry, Olivia. I really am. I’m not trying to upset you or make you angry...I’m sorry…” The tears rolled down his cheeks and he roughly wiped them away. “Maybe you should just go. I ruin everything. No surprise I should ruin this too.” He stood up and shuffled back to the bedroom as Liv stood at the sink, motionless.

He took off his robe and threw it on the chair near the bed, leaving him in a pair of flannel pajama pants. Climbing into the bed, he closed his eyes and ignored the tears that were coming again. 

_ “You are an absolute genius!” Olivia collapsed in a fit of laughter against him as they made their way into his hotel room. “I can’t believe you got a guilty verdict out of that jury! I want you on my team for every mock trial!”  _

_ He pulled her against him. “You should, detective. I have a lot of surprises up my highly tailored sleeves.” They both giggled, and he ran his fingers through the thick hair on the back of her head before leaning forward and lightly brushing his lips against hers. _

_ It was a tease of a kiss, but one that led her to arch into him, teasing back. “In all fairness, counselor,” she noted slyly, “I have some surprises of my own...if you hang around, wanna check ‘em out.” _

_ He took in her face, her expression as she teased him, and let one finger trail over her cheek and down her jaw, then over a breast. “I’ll go along with whatever you have planned. Something tells me there’s no way I can lose.” _

That was in the beginning. He loved her. He’d always loved her.

She came into the bedroom and set the coffee next to him on the nightstand before taking a seat on the bed. “I heated it up for you,” she said quietly, stroking his shoulder. “You liked it.”

“Yeah, I did.” As long as she was touching him, he didn't want to move. Her hands were soft and she smelled like flowers and god, she was even more beautiful than she was eight years ago. He pushed himself up to a sitting position, and she handed him the cup. “Thank you,” he said, taking a sip. “I’m sorry I ran into here. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Liv...other than disappointing people. That I’m fairly certain of.”

“Rafael.” She caught his face in her hands, running her thumbs under his eyes. “You are not a disappointment. You never have been. Everything I have ever said to you, I meant, and I still believe them all. You are a good man, Rafael Barba.” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

“I killed a baby, Olivia. And I killed my career. And the pain I caused you--”

“I’m right here,” she reassured him. “Rafael, we both know you were attempting to end that baby’s pain. That and the pain of his parents.”

He shook his head. “I had no right. No right to use somebody else’s child to fix my own shortcomings. I deserve a place in hell. God’s waiting for me, Liv.”

“Rafa!” Liv sounded shocked. The Rafael she knew didn’t prescribe to the Catholicism he grew up with. “You’re a man who made a decision. A difficult decision with no clearcut right or wrong answer. And it’s time for you to forgive yourself for what you did. When are you going to do that, Rafael? If it had been me who had unplugged Drew’s machines, would you feel this way about me?”

“You know that’s a ridiculous comparison, Olivia. Your heart is bigger than anyone I know. You’re absolutely incapable of doing something like that for a selfish, reckless reason.” He shook his head. “You’re about as altruistic as a person can be. I can’t even touch your shadow when it comes to that.”

She stared at him, trying to make sense of his thinking or his emotions or his reasoning, trying to connect with him in a way that made sense, but his eyes refused to meet hers long enough to get a read. “You know I love you, Rafael. I always will. I’m trying to help you the best I can, but you won’t even meet me halfway. Tell me what I can do, what I can say to help you. You can’t keep going like this. You’re scaring everyone. I found Sonny in a meeting room the other day by himself, crying. I know you love him more than that.”

“I do,” Rafael confirmed. “I keep telling him he should move on. I can’t make him happy. He deserves better, just like you did. Maybe you can reiterate to him how much better off he would be without me.”

“Stop it, now!” Her voice was louder, and she stood up. “I won’t be part of that, Rafael, and you know it! Our marriage falling apart wasn’t because I deserved better...it was because we both couldn’t reach each other...couldn’t open up the way we needed to. You’re not going to turn me into some kind of martyr here when we both know I was as guilty as you were, if not moreso. I was sleeping with David Hayden and let it get out of control--”

“Yeah, because I was working around the clock and giving more of my attention to my cases than my beautiful new wife! We had agreed to an open marriage going in, Olivia. You did nothing wrong. You did exactly what we agreed to--”

She was shaking her head. “We agreed sex outside of the marriage was fine. Not relationships. And I knew what I was doing. I wanted to make you jealous initially, to get your attention back...but when I started to have feelings for him, I should have stopped. I owed it to you, to our marriage, Rafael. And I didn’t. Because I was angry with you then.”

“I know. I’d promised you the world and once again, failed to deliver.”

She laughed bitterly. “No, no. You managed to convince me to believe you, to let my defenses down. To trust you. I wasn’t angry because you were married to the job. I was angry because I had actually believed that you would give it up for me.” Now her own eyes filled with tears. “We’re made of the same cloth, and for a minute back then, I forgot.”

“Don’t cry, Olivia.” He stood and wrapped his arms around her tightly, pressing her against him and feeling the shallow breathing. “Please, corazon. Te amo, Livvy. Siempre.” (Please, sweetheart. I love you, Livvy. Always.)

“Dammit, Rafael!” she exclaimed, pulling back from him and clutching his shoulders. “I feel the same as you...I’ll always love you. If you want to stop hurting me, stop hurting yourself.”

He met her eyes then, a long, sad gaze, until they were once again sitting on his bed and wrapped in each other’s arms. “Please,” she murmured, clutching him.

He closed his eyes. “I’ll try.”

***

He was sitting on the toilet seat in the bathroom with the door locked and the shower on, steaming up the room, as he held the razor blade against his inner wrist again.

He could hear Sonny and Amanda as they watched the game, yelling back at the TV every few minutes. He wondered when she’d be leaving. She had to get home to Jesse tonight, relieve her sitter. He had thought initially when she’d shown up that the three of them would have sex, relax, spend some time together. But instead, she’d brought over takeout, and Sonny got home a few minutes later, and they’d eaten while he watched and thought about what an attractive couple they would make if he were out of the way.

He pressed the razor against the soft flesh of his inner wrist, debating whether to slide it back and forth. It relieved the pressure. He’d never understood cutting until he started doing it recently, but something about the bright red, the sudden piercing of pain…

“If you want to stop hurting me, stop hurting yourself.” Olivia’s words suddenly rang in his ears, and he thought about his vows. In sickness and in health. Till death do us part. As long as we both shall live.

He lay the razor back on the edge of the sink and ran a finger over his inner wrist, feeling the dry skin he’d avoided cutting just now. He had to take it one day at a time, his therapist said. Each day he made it was a success, and today was two weeks since he’d tried and failed abysmally to end his own life. It didn’t feel like success. But when he saw her a few days ago and questioned her logic, she’d responded with, “You’re alive, aren’t you?”

Rafael: 14, Death: 0.


	3. December 19, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you, Dominick,” Rafael whispered to Sonny as their lips parted. Sonny smiled and brushed Rafael’s hair off of his forehead before leaning back in for more kisses. 
> 
> “Sonny,” he murmured again, “I’m in love with you.” 
> 
> Sonny pulled back a couple of inches, his eyes widening as though he were surprised. He stroked Rafael’s face. “You’ve never said that before.”
> 
> “I know,” Rafael admitted, then kissed Sonny again. “It’s taken me some time to get here, to where I could say it to you...but I can. It’s the truth.” He suddenly smiled widely, awkwardly. “I’m in love with you, and I’m happy about that.”
> 
> *****  
> Rafael's been on his antidepressant now for a few weeks, and he's finally able to get out of bed and take a jog with Rollins, be honest with himself about his feelings for Carisi, and have dinner with friends...that ends in a surprising announcement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi and thanks for reading!
> 
> First note--after some thought, I've decided that each chapter is going to address a particular day in Rafael's world. I'll be going back to chapters one and two to assign them dates. These dates should somewhat line up to canon, as far as events in the SVU world go.
> 
> Second, he's been on his antidepressant for about three weeks and is starting to feel some positive effects. If you are unaware, most antidepressants take roughly thirty days to bring about a noticeable change in mood, but some people notice it earlier. After the first thirty days, it can take months to fine tune the proper amount for a person. Depression is a beast and meds are never an easy answer, but they can be a lifesaver for some people who need them.
> 
> Just another reminder that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in this story other than letting everybody get their groove on with everyone else (yay, sex!) and hopefully help Rafael recover.
> 
> If you take the time to comment and/or kudo, thank you. Truly. It means a lot to me.

He scanned the park for her familiar frame. They had a standing jogging date every Wednesday morning at this time, but he knew she probably didn’t think he’d show up. He’d been doing a tad bit better, feeling less cursed to hell, but he hadn’t returned her text about this morning. Still, when he woke up at five-thirty this morning, alone because Sonny was working, he decided it was time to regain some sense of normalcy. He’d pulled on his jogging suit, the one he’d purchased just for jogging with her, and grabbed his shoes.

_ They had just finished having sex and she was next to him, panting in rhythm. She lay one hand on his stomach, and he immediately felt self-conscious. “I swear, it used to be flatter,” he joked, but she continued to run her hand back and forth. _

_ “Don’t worry, Barba. Everyone knows you’re sexy,” she teasingly reassured him. He snorted. If he had to guess, Rollins was a hundred pounds, soaking wet. “You know, if it matters that much to you, you could go jogging with me. I take a trail through the park three times a week. We could start just once a week, if you want...say Wednesdays?” _

_ He spent two full days shopping online trying to find the perfect jogging outfit...something that would fit him properly while possibly hiding the bit of gut he’d developed. It arrived on Tuesday afternoon, thank God, and he met her at exactly six a.m. Wednesday morning. _

_ She had taken one look at him before raising an eyebrow and saying, “The last time you did this, I ended up having to talk about my rape. Please tell me our conversation will be better this time.” _

He spotted her a little farther up the trail. She was stretching out next to the baby stroller and he made his way over to her. From a distance, she looked slightly heavier, and he wondered if she’d really kept up the jogging routine while he’d been hiding from the world. “Hey,” he greeted, gently touching her arm. “Thought I’d join you this morning.” He bent over the stroller and smiled at the little girl looking back at him. “Hi Jesse. Ready to go run?”

The little girl grinned and nodded enthusiastically. “Hi Unca Wafa!”

Amanda smiled at him. “Glad you’re joining me...I didn’t think you would, when I didn’t hear from you last night.” 

They started down the trail at an easy pace. It was a dreary, wet, and cold morning; there was a mist hanging in the air. It was quiet, with an occasional jogger passing by. “You’ve lost some weight,” she commented suddenly, and he was reminded of his conversation with Olivia the other day.

“Yeah. Just not much of an appetite, you know?” He was beginning to feel the familiar start of an ache in his thighs. He really should consider doing this more consistently, he thought.

“You know, a better diet and building some muscle would help you keep that off once your appetite comes back. No offense, but you eat like crap.” She turned and grinned at him, and he laughed.

“Yeah, I’m well aware. I eat what tastes good, Rollins. I’m not a rabbit.” He grinned at his own jab.

“Oh come on. You know I eat crap too. I’m just saying, Rafi, I know you’ve said before you don’t like the extra weight around your middle. I can give you the name of my trainer.” He didn’t respond right away, and after a minute, she added, “Personally, I think you’re sexy as hell just how you are. So does Sonny, by the way.” 

“Don’t you have a daughter in that stroller?” he asked, trying to change the course of the conversation.

“Oh, she doesn’t know what we’re talking about. Where is Sonny this morning? Working?”

“Yeah. Otherwise I would be at home in bed...enjoying how sexy I am.”

She laughed. “Hey, I can get behind that. I’ve enjoyed how sexy you are before, and that’s a great way to spend a morning...probably beats the hell out of this, huh?”

He laughed back. “Well, at least we’ve got good company. Jesse’s top-notch as a running companion.”

“She sure is! Wanna take a break?” she asked, and he nodded, then followed her off the trail to a stretching area. He was stretching out a hamstring when she asked, “How are you really doing today?”

“Okay. Tired of people asking me how I’m doing.” He held the stretch, then switched legs.

She chuckled. “What’s it been, almost a month now since it happened? People are just worried about you, Rafael. To be honest, every morning when I get up, I check my texts right away to make sure nothing has happened. And if it’s affected ME like that, I know it’s affected Sonny and Olivia like that. Not to mention your mom…” She changed positions. “Try to cut us some slack, okay?”

He grunted, then put both hands on his waist. He felt frustrated, agitated, tired of talking about what had happened. “It’s just not helpful, Amanda. If you did something you were ashamed of, would you want everyone bringing it up nonstop? Every single day, every single conversation…” He huffed, shaking his head.

She took a step toward him and laid a hand on his chest. “Listen to me, Rafael. I’ll try to stop worrying, but you have to promise me you won’t give me anything to worry about, okay? I love you, and the thought that I almost lost a good friend still scares the fuck out of me. Especially since it hasn’t even been a month, you know? Is the antidepressant working at all now?”

He exhaled heavily, taking her hand from his chest and squeezing it. “I’m doing better. I think it is helping some...I mean, I got up and met you this morning, didn’t I?” He smiled, then squeezed her hand. “I love you too, Amanda, and I hate that I’ve worried anyone like this. I hate that anyone has lost sleep over me in any way. I used to think I was a better person than that, more responsible…” He closed his eyes for a moment. “I’ll try not to get so annoyed, all right? I know it’s out of a place of concern.”

She hugged him suddenly. “Yeah, it is.” She pulled back then. “Are we still on for dinner tonight? Me and you and Sonny? Six, right? My sitter will be there until ten.”

“I guess so,” he teased, “since you’re worried about my diet. Does this mean we’re eating clean? Or is it raw this week?”

They hit the trail again, taking an easy pace, and she answered, “You’ll have to ask Carisi. He’s the one who dated the vegan girl...portobello fries and whatnot.”

“Well, that explains a lot,” Rafael joked back, “why it was so easy to get in his pants. He just wanted some meat.”

She cackled, loud and happy, and they continued along the trail.

***

“How was work?” he asked Sonny, as Sonny stretched out on his bed upon waking.

“Okay today...mainly paperwork,” Sonny said, wrapping his arms around Rafael and pulling him down, against him. “I missed you, guapo.” Rafael bent in for a kiss as Sonny’s hands began to roam over his body, taking their time. Over and under clothing as they kissed, relishing in the warmth and comfort of each other. Rafael felt his body calm down more than any other time of the day, and he wished he could stay like this forever, cocooned in Sonny.

“I love you, Dominick,” Rafael whispered to Sonny as their lips parted. Sonny smiled and brushed Rafael’s hair off of his forehead before leaning back in for more kisses. 

“Sonny,” he murmured again, “I’m in love with you.” 

Sonny pulled back a couple of inches, his eyes widening as though he were surprised. He stroked Rafael’s face. “You’ve never said that before.”

“I know,” Rafael admitted, then kissed Sonny again. “It’s taken me some time to get here, to where I could say it to you...but I can. It’s the truth.” He suddenly smiled widely, awkwardly. “I’m in love with you, and I’m happy about that.”

Sonny pressed his forehead against Rafael’s collarbone and giggled as their bodies tangled together, legs twisting. “I’m happy about it too, because I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember,” Sonny sighed. “I know you have feelings for Olivia...and some for Amanda, too…”

“Amanda’s a good friend,” Rafael interrupted him, “but I’m not in love with her. I’ve never been in love with her, and she knows that. She's not in love with me either. But you two…”

Sonny chuckled, nose still buried in Rafael’s neck. “Are partners at work. I have her back, and I always will. But you...are you sure? What about Olivia? I know you still love her.”

Rafael kissed him softly, and their eyes met. “I do. Honestly, Sonny, I will probably love her until the day I die. When I married her, I promised that...I understand if that’s a deal-breaker for you, I really do. But Sonny, I want to be with you. I want to build a life with you. Wherever I’m going from this point forward, I want it to be with you. You make me feel safe, bring out a better version of me...does any of that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Sonny murmured, “it does...this is where I’m supposed to be, too.”

They made love slowly and gently, taking their time to enjoy one another and the pleasure they could bring to each other. Sonny watched as Rafael sank down on his lap slowly, and they writhed together in an erotic rhythm. As Rafael rocked in Sonny’s lap, Sonny held him close and wrapped a fist around his cock, jacking him in time. Kisses and bites, intermingled with I love you’s, brought them both to the edge and finally over. They clung to one another, hot and sweaty, sharing kisses, unwilling to let go.

***

“Took you long enough!” Amanda handed the bags of food to Sonny, who had finally opened the door for her. She felt like she’d been knocking for ages, and judging from the sweats her partner looked like he just threw on, she probably had been. “You guys busy or something?”

Sonny tried to bite back his smile unsuccessfully. “We were. But we’re, uh...free now.” He headed to the kitchen with the bags.

“I knew I’d miss all the fun,” she teased as Rafael came into the kitchen, also in sweats and a tee. “Well, look at who just got lucky! You’ve got bites all over you, hottie.” She tugged at the arm of his tee and nodded toward his neck.

“I was tasty today,” he grinned, making his way over to Sonny, then kissing him by the ear. “You might as well be the first one to know. I’m in love with this man.” His grin softened into something beautiful, and he kissed Sonny again.

“Oh please,” she said, waving one hand and starting to unpack the food. “You’ve been in love with him for months. You just didn’t know it yet.”

“Well, now he knows!” Sonny interjected. “And I’m in love with him! We’re an official couple now, Rollins! Be happy for us!”

She laughed. “Okay, okay! I’m happy for you! Just...if you decide I’m not getting laid here anymore, break it to me gently, okay? Do you have plates for this?”

Rafael and Sonny looked at each other. “We, uh, hadn’t talked about that yet,” Rafael said, handing her the plates. “I guess we’ll have to see what we think.”

They filled their plates and ate on the couch, where they always tended to sit on these evenings. Carisi caught Rollins up on the day’s events, and Rafael imagined torturous things happening to Peter Stone while they dished. Seeing a dreamy smile take over his face, Sonny elbowed him. “What are YOU thinkin’ about, lookin’ like that?”

Rafael chuckled. “Just picturing your new ADA in some...interesting situations.”

“Trust me, not everyone is Team Stone,” Amanda told him. “In fact, hardly anybody is. He’s dead weight, as far as I’m concerned.”

“He’s trying,” Sonny told her, and Rafael looked at him, eyes shining. Sonny met his eyes and said, “Does it bother you that I say that?”

“No,” Rafael told him, that dreamy smile returning. “It’s one of the reasons I love you...your attempt to see good in everyone.”

Sonny’s cheeks blossomed pink and he smiled back. His ice blue eyes were bright and taking in the beauty of Rafael until Amanda finally whistled and said, “Damn, you two...you’re making ME horny.”

They both laughed, releasing the tension in the air, and Sonny got up to take the plates back to the kitchen. “Did you see?” Rafael asked her. “I ate. I almost ate an entire plate full--”

“You have to fill a plate to eat an entire plate full,” she pointed out, and he held up his middle finger.

“Anyone want dessert?” Sonny asked, carrying a pint of Ben & Jerry’s into the living room. “We could eat it now or use it as foreplay.”

“Not in my bed,” Rafael said, making a face. “If you want to lick something off of someone, let’s use the champagne. It’s easier to wash out.”

Amanda shook her head. “I’m not licking champagne,” she announced, “or drinking it, for that matter. That’s why I came over here tonight, anyway. To tell you guys.”

“Tell us what?” Sonny asked, taking a huge spoonful of ice cream and sliding it into Rafael’s mouth. “You’ve decided you don’t like champagne?”

“No,” she said, looking between them, and Rafael suddenly could read the nervousness all over her. He swallowed the ice cream in a large ball, freezing his throat and numbing his brain. 

“To tell you I’m pregnant,” she said, and before he could control himself, he burped. 


	4. December 24, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny closed his duffel bag, then sank down on the couch. “What are you going to do, Rafael? I really don’t like the idea of you being alone all this time...I know how much you’ve struggled lately--”
> 
> “It was a month ago, and I’m fine now. You can see, I’m up and out of bed and dressed. You even saw me eat breakfast. I’m okay, Sonny.” He leaned over and kissed his lover, wishing he could convince him not to worry. “I’m just going to watch some TV, maybe call my mom or visit with a friend...I’ll take Noah his present later. It’ll be fine. I promise.”
> 
> Sonny looked at him skeptically. “You promise you’re safe? And if you’re not, you’ll call me or go to the hospital right away?”
> 
> “Yes, I promise, Soleado.” He caught Sonny’s hand and squeezed it in his. “Te amo, mi amor. Feliz Navidad.” He kissed the back of Sonny’s hand. “I’ll see you in a couple of days, right?”
> 
> Sonny nodded. “I’ll be back on Friday. I’ll call you when I get there, okay? Answer your phone so I don’t have to come back here and hunt you down!”
> 
> He didn’t say it, but they both knew what he was thinking about. The last time Rafael didn’t answer his phone, he’d been lying unconscious on his bathroom floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> So each chapter in this fic is kind of a day in the life of Rafael, and as you're probably aware by now, it starts off after he returns home from a suicide attempt. He's about a month in on his new antidepressant and is a bit more stable.
> 
> Sonny makes him promise that he's safe, and if he isn't, that he will call right away or go to the hospital. This is an actual thing called a safety contract that's used as a therapy tool with people who are suicidal. The individual contracts to notify a particular person or go to a safe place (generally a hospital) if they feel in danger. These can be very beneficial and actually save lives.
> 
> Somebody was saying something to me the other day about how Rafael must be just exhausted after visiting with the Carisis, and I think that's true, particularly in this kind of situation where he's depressed to begin with. If you're an introvert, chances are that big, extroverted events are exhausting for you. We joked that poor Rafael probably had to sleep for days after a Carisi celebration, lol.
> 
> Also, if you're thinking that Rafael sounds like he's still in love with Olivia, it's because he is. And he's also in love with Sonny. Life is a complicated beast, no?
> 
> Comments and kudos are really appreciated because let's face it, I'm still trying to figure out just how much this is going to suck or exceed expectations.

_ “More.” _

_ Olivia was wrapped around him tightly, one leg around his waist as she clutched him and ground up against his cock. She was hot and tight, and he was so hard he thought he was going to explode. “More, baby?” he gasped at her. “Tell me what you want, Liv...deeper, harder? Faster?” Impulsively, he kissed her, effectively silencing her until he let go. _

_ Her nails scratched up and down his back repeatedly until he groaned. “God, you’re fucking beautiful,” he told her, thrusting deeper and rejoicing in her moans. He’d never felt like this for anyone, and he was determined to love her to the best of his ability. _

_ “Rafa...fuck, please…” She stretched her neck up, making her pulse point available to him, and he leaned down and sucked lightly as they rocked together in pleasure. He knew she was close, knew she just needed a little more to get over the edge. He reached down between them, slipping his fingers over her wet clit and began to rub in circles. “Oh God,” she gasped softly, “I love you...I love you…” _

_ He felt her tighten around him as she gasped, and her entire body shuddered. “Liv,” he gasped again, “I love you, querida…God…” His own climax washed over him and he thrust deeply inside of her. _

_ He caught his breath and slowly rolled off of her, and she curled up against him, kissing his chest. “I love you, hubby,” she teased him, kissing a nipple. “I can’t believe we did this.” _

_ He grinned at her, then kissed her lips. “But we did.” _

_ And it had been the happiest night of his life. _

***

“Sure you don’t want to go with me?” Sonny had asked that morning. “Ma wouldn’t mind at all. She said to tell you that it’s no trouble to set an extra place.”

“For two days?” he’d asked. “No, Sonny, I don’t want to crash your family’s holiday. Plus, you know, I’m just not good at the church stuff…” He shook his head. “It’s better if I just stay here.”

Sonny closed his duffel bag, then sank down on the couch. “What are you going to do, Rafael? I really don’t like the idea of you being alone all this time...I know how much you’ve struggled lately--”

“It was a month ago, and I’m fine now. You can see, I’m up and out of bed and dressed. You even saw me eat breakfast. I’m okay, Sonny.” He leaned over and kissed his lover, wishing he could convince him not to worry. “I’m just going to watch some TV, maybe call my mom or visit with a friend...I’ll take Noah his present later. It’ll be fine. I promise.”

Sonny looked at him skeptically. “You promise you’re safe? And if you’re not, you’ll call me or go to the hospital right away?”

“Yes, I promise, Soleado.” He caught Sonny’s hand and squeezed it in his. “Te amo, mi amor. Feliz Navidad.” He kissed the back of Sonny’s hand. “I’ll see you in a couple of days, right?”

Sonny nodded. “I’ll be back on Friday. I’ll call you when I get there, okay? Answer your phone so I don’t have to come back here and hunt you down!”

He didn’t say it, but they both knew what he was thinking about. The last time Rafael didn’t answer his phone, he’d been lying unconscious on his bathroom floor.

Rafael followed him to the door and kissed him goodbye. “I love you, Sonny. See you in a couple days, babe.” He kissed Sonny sweetly. Sonny took a moment to look into his eyes, then, softly smiling, he headed down the hallway to the elevator, and Rafael closed the door.

***

“Happy Christmas Eve!” He smiled warmly at Olivia, handing her the stack of gifts in his arms. 

“Look at you!” she teased, wiggling the pompom on his Santa hat. “I thought you’d be coming down the chimney!” She leaned in and kissed his cheek, and he did the same before entering her apartment. “Noah! Look who’s here!”

Noah came running from the back of the apartment. “Uncle Rafa!” he exclaimed excitedly. “Did you know it’s Christmas Eve and Santa’s coming tonight? Is he coming to your house too?”

Rafael chuckled. “I’m not sure, but I know he’s coming here...he always goes to the houses of very good children, and you’re a good boy, aren’t you?”

Noah nodded enthusiastically. “I always do what Momma tells me to do! And usually on the first ask!”

Both Liv and Rafael laughed at that. “Make yourself at home, Rafa. Can I get you a drink? Scotch or wine?”

“You know me,” he teased. “Scotch is great.”

A few minutes later they were seated in front of her fireplace, the tree sparkling merrily, as they exchanged a handful of gifts and enjoyed one another’s company.

***

_ They lay under a handful of throw blankets on the floor in front of the fireplace, next to their new Christmas tree. Her eyes sparkled in the light, and he knew he’d never been in love like he was in this moment. _

_ “Merry Christmas, Livvy,” he whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to her temple. “Are you ready for your present?” _

_ She smiled dreamily at him. “Ah...but I thought you were my present, guapo.” She ran a finger over his cheek, to his chin. He kissed her finger, then nipped it, and they both giggled. _

_ “Wait here...and don’t put anything back on!” he told her, hopping up himself buck naked and strutting to the back of the apartment. He knew she was watching and enjoyed what she saw, and he was happy to humor her. _

_ He returned a moment later with a small box in his hand. “This is for you.” He slipped back under the blankets with her. “Merry Christmas, sweetheart.” _

_ Her smile was bright as she removed the paper and opened the box. It was a pair of antique pearl earrings, and Olivia softly gasped as she took them out. “Rafael...they’re gorgeous.” She took one off of its holder and began to put it on. _

_ “They’re my grandmother’s,” he said, holding her hair back so she could adjust the earring. “My grandfather gave them to her before they left Cuba. They belonged to his mother.” She adjusted the second earring, beaming at him, and he couldn’t help but grin back. “Honestly, you’re the only thing I’ve ever seen that can hold a candle to those earrings.” _

_ “I love you, Rafael,” she murmured, wrapping her arms around him and kissing his lips. “You’re the best man I’ve ever known, and I’m so lucky to call you my husband.” _

_ Hearing those words, he kissed her back deep and heady until they were both gasping for air, hands once again taking each other in, and guiding each other into another round of lovemaking that would last until dawn. _

_ He could never imagine loving another person the way he loved the woman in his arms. _

***

“So you passed on the Staten Island adventure, huh?” Liv asked as he hung up with Sonny, still smiling to himself. Sonny was clearly in his element, happy and laughing with his family. Rafael shook his head, chasing away the thought that next year, he very well could be in the middle of it.

“Yeah, I did this year. Just couldn’t handle the thought of being out there for two days with all of the Carisis. I swear, there’s more every holiday.” He chuckled and took a seat on the couch next to her. 

“It can’t be that bad,” Liv told him. “Come on, how many is it really?”

“Well,” he began, squinting as he was thinking, “There’s Deb and Dom, his parents, and then Deb’s sister Donna and her family...that’s like five more people usually. Then there’s Sonny and his sisters and their families...Theresa and Mia and whoever they’re both dating, and Gina and whoever she’s engaged to this week, Bella and Tommy and Rosie, their baby. Then there’s Dom’s sister Gianna and her husband Luca and you haven’t seen an Italian family until you’ve seen theirs...they have three daughters, and all three have two or three kids and I swear, it’s like living in the Real Housewives of New Jersey at that point.”

Liv was laughing hysterically. “I had no idea! I always thought Sonny was exaggerating.”

“No,” Rafael shook his head. “Not about this. When I went for Independence Day, he swore to me we’d leave by ten that night. We rented a hotel room. His mom offered for us to stay, but he told me we’d probably have kids crawling all over us, and he was right.”

She chuckled again, taking a sip of her wine. “Do you want to stay tonight? You can help eat the cookies for Santa--”

“You mean the ones I already devoured an hour ago?” He winked at her. “No, I’m going to go ahead and call an uber. You have some presents to deliver, and it’s getting pretty late.” He checked his watch to see it was quarter to eleven. “Yeah, I need to get going. You and Noah have a wonderful day tomorrow, okay?”

“Rafael.” She followed him to the door, and he could read her expression already. She was worried, he could tell, and for a second he wondered if she’d been reliving those old Christmases like he had. “If you change your mind, just come over. You don’t even have to call. I have plenty of food, plenty of alcohol…” She leaned in and kissed his cheek again. “We love you, you know.”

He smiled. “And I love you too. Merry Christmas, Olivia.”

***

“You could come over.”

He’d been home fifteen minutes when his phone rang. He’d stopped at the Methodist church on his way from Liv’s and stepped inside for the rest of the Christmas Eve service. Something about the Christmas story, the familiarity of the text and the reading of the scripture, settled in his belly and brought him a sense of peace and more relaxation than he’d felt in a long time. When the service was over, he’d walked the last block to his apartment and come in. He’d turned on the Christmas tree lights and changed his clothes, and was in the process of making a mug of hot chocolate when Amanda had called him. She said it was to check on him, but something felt off.

“Do you need me right now?” he asked, and he could hear her sniffling.

“No, of course not,” she lied. “I’m fine. I just know you didn’t go with Sonny, and I was worried about you...wasn’t sure if you were out doing things or if you were buried in your bed.”

“I’m actually on my couch, drinking hot cocoa and looking at the Christmas tree lights. How about you?” he asked, taking a bite of one of the Christmas cookies Sonny had left him.

She sighed heavily. “I just finished watching A Christmas Carol again. Jesse’s in bed asleep, and I’m pondering my life’s choices. Rafael, what am I doing? I don’t know if I’m even a decent mother to Jesse...how can I be a good mom to two girls? With two different fathers, neither of whom I was in love with when I conceived them?” She began to cry in earnest. “More and more I keep thinking I should terminate this pregnancy. I know Sonny would love to have a child but I also know you’re terrified of one, and I don’t want to do that to you if it’s yours. I can barely make all my bills now...I don’t know how I’d pay for a second baby--”

“Stop,” he said soothingly. “Mandy, breathe, honey. You know the money is not an issue. Sonny and I will make sure this baby is taken care of. You know that.” He heard her breath catch. “I mean it, honey. Both of us, or either of us, are prepared to provide. We talked about that when you told us last week, remember?”

She sniffled. “Yeah...I just hate to do that to you. You have things you’re investing in--”

“Amanda,” he said steadily, “I know we’re not in love, but we do love each other. If you decide you want to go through with this, I’ll support you a hundred percent.”

She laughed wetly. “I thought you were still thinking about it.”

He chuckled. “I got clear.” There was a lengthy pause. “I love you, and as someone who loves you, I just want you to be happy.”

She sniffled. “You’d really want to be involved if you’re the dad?”

He pictured Noah earlier and his excitement at Rafael’s presence. “Yeah. I would.”

Her breath shuddered for a second. “Okay, Rafael. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, baby. Have a great Christmas, and tell Jesse we said hi.”

“I will,” she agreed. “And Rafi? Merry Christmas...and don’t forget, you can--”

“Come over anytime I want. I know,” he teased. “Goodnight.”

***

He rolled over for the forty-fifth time, unable to relax enough to sleep. Truth be told, he missed Sonny. He’d gotten into the habit of nearly always having the younger detective in his bed, and now it was hard to sleep without him. If Sonny were here, he thought, they’d have shared a bottle of wine with dinner and gone to church. Then they’d have come home, snacked on cookies and hot cocoa, and then made love until they fell asleep. He palmed himself through his pajama pants, imagining Sonny’s hands and mouth on him. Impulsively, he grabbed his phone and dialed Sonny’s number.

“Rafi?” Sonny’s voice was hushed and sleepy. “You okay, baby?”

“Yeah, yeah, honey. I’m okay...I just...I just missed you is all.” Rafael suddenly felt awkward and embarrassed. “You know what? I’ll let you go...we can talk in the morning--”

“No, no! I’m up...it’s fine!” He heard Sonny moving around and wondered if he were sitting up. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, really...just having trouble going to sleep.” He smiled, thinking of Sonny. “I miss you , is all. I’m not used to sleeping without those giraffe legs around me anymore.”

Sonny chuckled. “I miss you too. We had eggnog and I think it helped me drift off.”

“Do you have any roommates tonight, or did you score a room by yourself?” Rafael asked, picking at his fingernails.

“I’m on the pullout couch in the rec room. Nobody else is in here, but you know where it is...it’s like sleeping in the basement.”

“Because it IS the basement?” Rafael teased, running his own hand over his length, back and forth. “I wish you were here.”

“Mmm...can’t sleep, huh? What have you tried?”

“Alcohol, reading, counting sheep…” Rafael listed.

Sonny chuckled again. “No jacking off, huh?  _ Now  _ I know why you called…”

Rafael reached into his pajamas and took his cock in his hand. “Maybe. You’re a genius. Will you help me?” He pumped himself slowly. “I know I could do it...I just miss you…”

“Wanna kiss the tip nice and slow,” Sonny began, “Lick you back and forth. You always taste so good, Rafi...like salt and sex and...and the best times in my life...run my tongue down your length, over that vein to your balls. Gonna rub your shaft with my hand while I take each of those balls into my mouth, one at a time. Roll it around on my tongue, press the seam with my tongue. Love the taste of you, baby. Love to hear how you whine and moan when you want more, just like that,” he added as he heard Rafael’s soft moan into the phone. “Tell me about it now, baby...tell me about your cock. Are you hard?”

Rafael sighed, eyes closed, pajamas and boxers yanked down to his knees. “Yes, sweetheart. So hard...so hard for you, Sonny. You feel so good on me.”

“I can picture you right now...tip flushed red and wet from my sucking...I’d lick back up to the tip then take you into my mouth, bobbing up and down on you...looking into your eyes...I love watching you watch me...you grip my hair to hold my head still so you can fuck my mouth, and i can feel you thrusting in and out, over and over...and I can’t move away because you’ve got me by the hair. I love it when you fuck my mouth like that, baby...holding my head so still while you fuck my mouth...you like that, Rafi?”

Rafael’s fist was squeezing his cock, fucking into his fist quickly. “Fuck yes,” he grunted. “More, Sonny...please, more…”

“I grip your hips, and you fuck deeper, into my throat, nice and tight for you, gagging me, and I just suck you tighter because I love how you taste. Can’t get enough of you, baby. I start teasing your ass, running a finger along your crack, but you want more...you do want more, don’t you, Rafi? My wet fingers slipping inside of you, rubbing your prostate? My mouth letting your cock go, moving to your ass? You bending over and letting me rim you? Or maybe I’ll just lay on the bed and open my mouth while you kneel on either side of my head and let me suck your balls and tongue your ass? What do--”

“Fuck,” Sonny heard, soft in the receiver. He stopped talking for a second, and he heard, “I love you, Soleado. I love you so much.”

Sonny lay back on his bed, a proud smile on his face. “Did you come, Rafi? Feel good?”

“So good,” Rafael admitted. “Thank you, Sonny. I needed that so much.”

“I love you too, Rafael,” he murmured lovingly. “I know you won’t come out here, but maybe next year we’ll spend Christmas together?”

A hum was all he heard until a minute later, a soft snore. Sonny smiled. “Goodnight, baby,” he said as he hung up the phone.


End file.
